Wonderful? Who, me?

Psalm 139:13-14 read "You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."  Hmmmmmm...

As I read this Psalm yesterday morning, I took awhile to ponder these verses. I've quoted them to both my daughters over the years to assure them that God made them as they are and they are wonderful because His works are wonderful! But, I don't believe these words have touched me quite so deeply as they did when I read them yesterday.

God made me exactly how he wanted me to be.  Exactly how I look, exactly how I think, exactly how I feel...exactly who I am.

I definitely have areas I need to work on and improve concerning my life, BUT not on who I am. And there is one area that I often joke about, but it frankly bothers me...

I have the desire to: paint, sew, sculpt, do yoga, mountain-climb, make stained glass windows, have a dress shop with clothing designed specifically for women wearing D size cups and bigger, Christmas carol to everyone in my neighborhood, become a motivational speaker, and sky-dive. (The list could go on and on, but it's getting a little embarrassing.)

Now, God made me as a person who desires to do a lot of stuff! We can all agree to that. But, why? Common sense tells me that I will not do most of those things and if I do, I will not become accomplished or even see these endeavors through to fruition. Instead of beating myself up about this and thinking I have failed because of my fleeting desires, I am accepting that God put them there. Can I search for the purpose? Sure, but why waste the energy? I will continue to explore new things...and hey, maybe even complete some projects. But this I know-with each new experience, God has a purpose. How do I know this? Because He made me this way. :)

And here's the cool thing: It ain't just me! You are fearfully and wonderfully made as well.

Why exactly am I still a Music Teacher after all these years?

What will the new school year bring for me?

It will bring little, sweet faces, anxious to please...and faces darkened by anger, convinced that they never please anyone, so why even try.

It will bring children alert and filled with energy...and children so tired they can barely stay awake, from being up late and in some cases up all night for one reason or another.

It will bring new school clothes, shoes, and freshly washed faces...and also faces smudged with dirt from last night's outside game of hide and seek, dirty fingernails, and clothes badly in need of Tide and Downy.

It will bring good attitudes and eagerness to learn...and inattentiveness caused by worry of what the evening will bring, who will be there when they get home, or whether or not they will have a safe place to sleep.

It will bring me a wide range of emotions...happiness to see the joy in faces of those just coming to school for the very first time and those I have watched grow from year to year, sadness for those children who are carrying the weight of their little worlds on their shoulders, concern for those trying to fit in with their peers and never quite making it, frustration with students whose misbehavior affects the learning of others, and hope for the bright spot our schools offer these children regardless of where they fall in the mix.

So...this is why I teach Music:

I love children. I love music. It's that simple.

The joy that music has brought into my life is like no other. Through sharing music with countless students over the years, I feel like I have had a small part of bringing that joy into their lives...or at least trying to. From the time I first began teaching 26 years ago in a high school, part-time, with one choir class with 16 students who were quite skeptical of my abilities,  until today when I could honestly do my job of teaching K-6 students on what some would call "auto-pilot", I have sincerely cared about each student. Music has given me the chance to express that.

When I see a roomful of kindergarten students, I know that when I hand them a jingle bell, they are going to shake it and smile! When I sing a silly song and do a silly dance for them, they will always join in and willingly show their enthusiasm! When I sing their name in a song, they light up like a Christmas tree, to know that they are important enough to sing about.

Does their enthusiasm last through 6th grade?...in some, perhaps, but others, not so much. Simply because they are growing up and discovering their lives are changing and are not really sure what they are "supposed" to be enthused about. But, my hope is they will continue enjoying music in their own way as they go through life and that I, their first music teacher, had an impact.

And now, let the year begin!  I encourage all of you to sing some everyday! Music is, after all, the Universal language!

My children were raised to leave...right?

I knew when I had my children that my purpose was not to keep them with me forever, but to guide them to become responsible adults and pursue their own dreams and live their own lives. After all we raise our children to one day leave home, right? Then why, tell me, do I feel this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach?

I went into Kathryn's room a few minutes ago to put some things away and stopped for a moment and looked around. The feeling I had was overwhelming. This time next week, we will be moving her into a dorm room and leaving her there. What a happy time for her! She is excited and looking so forward to this new chapter in her life and I want so badly to share that excitement with her! Actually, I do. But the sadness of not having my baby girl here is about to break my heart.

Every morning when I get ready for school, I look in on that little curly headed thing and am greeted with a "good morning, mama". As I go out the door while she is finishing up getting ready to go herself, I hear an "I love you, mama." I will miss that.

When I get home from school, I look forward to her coming home and sharing her day with me, which she almost always does. She has me laughing with her in no time at the events of the day and along with her antics, entertains me.

When dinner time comes, she won't be there at the table. And when it's time to watch "Modern Family" she won't be there to laugh with me...and eat Cheez-its. There won't be a jeep in our driveway to watch leaving on her way to softball or band practice and no more games, contests, team horn events, or impromptu gatherings of friends. How grateful I am for those memories!

Yes, she is just going to Morehead, which is very close by, and I know she will be home some. I don't want her to want to come home every weekend; although I'd love her to, I know it is not best. And I also realize this is still her "home base" as Greg calls it. But I also know it will be too quiet in the Jackson house and I will miss her.

Looking at her hubcap on the wall, her "How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days" poster, her New York picture, her pictures of friends and family, her various colors of duct tape on her dresser, along with many other odds and ends makes me want to go back just one more year...or several. It doesn't seem possible that my baby girl is grown but it is not only possible, it has happened.

This sadness at the passing of time seems so very silly to me...even selfish...and for that I am a little ashamed, but feelings are feelings. period. Having been through this before, I know this overwhelming sadness will pass and I won't always feel this way. For that I am thankful.

Greg and I got married with two children, Josh was 3, Ashley was 4. So, we have never lived together without kids! Our trip to NYC was proof that we will have fun and enjoy our time together and life will go on as we watch our children live their lives and face the joys and challenges that being adults can bring. Thank God for His promise that if they are brought up in the way they should go, when they are old they will not depart from it.

Not sure why I felt the need to post all this, but I do know that my tears, for the moment have dried and I'm feeling better.  :)

Reflections on my kids

Warning:  This may appear as bragging on my kids, but I truly am just reflecting on them and the people they have become.

 I am amazed at my children. They are everything I could never be.

My son has a determination beyond any I ever had. He has a kindness and empathy for people and shows himself a true and loyal friend...even when his kindness is repaid with far less. He does not hold grudges although in all fairness, he could have reason to do so. He is intelligent and has developed his own views based on what he himself has studied instead of blindingly accepting what others say. His determination to be successful is strong. He can have a conversation with anyone, anywhere! He accepts people as they are and always defends the underdog. His sense of humor always brings sunshine into the room! He truly amazes me.

My daughter has her own mind.  She doesn't follow the crowd...ever...never has. Her morals and standards are based on her convictions of what is right and wrong. She doesn't judge others, although she has very strong opinions and doesn't "straddle the fence" on issues I always have myself. She has compassion for the elderly and sick and truly gives of herself. As a child, and now as an adult, she is one of the most loving, compassionate people I know. Her battle with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis has shown us all her level of perseverance, as has her battle with anorexia. Her desire is to help others who struggle with the issues she has throughout her life. I can't help but wonder how I had a child as exceptional as she.

My youngest daughter makes us all smile! Just being around her brings laughter into the room. I think she is most like me in that she strives to make people happy. She loves her friends and tries to do whatever it takes to maintain friendships. She has fun and brings fun along with her wherever she goes. She has a "follow it through" attitude about tasks and challenges she has faced. Her interests are varied and she  usually excels in what she chooses to pursue...with hard work of course. She has friends that are 5 and friends that are 50 and communicates well with them.

With two children out of the house and one soon to be in college, I find myself reflecting on the people they have become/are becoming. I am certainly made my share of mistakes in raising my children. In spite of my inadequacies, I know they all feel loved and hopefully they believe I did my best. Whatever the case I love them all and am proud of the people they have become!

No More Yard Sales!

I participated in a yard sale today during which I accumulated a total of $23.00, after paying for my portion of the overpriced, but tasty, cheese pizza, I remained with $15.00 profit. I was there at the sale from 7:30 until around noon.  Now, this equates to $3.33/hour. Really? Kathryn made more waiting tables for the Olive Tree when she was 15! and my reward for 4.5 hours of work...$15.00?

Let it be noted that I did not contribute a great deal to the sale, however what I did contribute was of good quality. A few shirts, skirts, sweats, etc. from Abercrombie, Aeropostale, Victoria's Secret, and the list continues. These, of course, are "toss aways" from each of my daughters.  Several did not sell and I was appalled.

I considered selling some of my smaller clothing that doesn't quite fit at present and opted against it because I had an inspiration today that I'd like to share:
     A very sweet, well-meaning yet blunt lady I have known for over 25 years came to the yard sale.  I suppose she recognized my voice because I heard her say "Cindy!  Is that you?" I turned to her, said her name, and walked towards her in a friendly way and...wait for it...wait for it...hugged her. We talked about a few things, small talk mostly, and then she dropped the bomb: "I'm glad to see you got big like I did!" WOW!  I responded with a "yes, I sure did" then laughed and shortly after, we parted ways.

After she left, I had to share the story with those working in the sale because, let's face it - it was funny! And, yes, Cindy Jackson CAN laugh at herself.  If my self-esteem was low, low, low...it would've devastated me, but I try to keep a positive view of myself. And people, we just have to laugh if we're going to survive!

HOWEVER...did it bother me?  Heck yeah it did! And it bothers me that it bothers me. And it bothers me that it bothers me that it bothers me! and so on, and so on, and so on.  After much contemplation, I have decided that I give the whole issue tooooooooo much contemplation!  I'll also venture to say that the friend probably didn't give that comment one more thought.  She meant it, she was glad we had both 'grown', because it's good to be on the "same team'.  So, it was quite possibly a compliment that we had both arrived at the point in our lives where we realized health was important, but not so much so that we obsess over our size to the point of not being able to focus elsewhere.

I choose to take it as a compliment and keep hoping others can do the same when faced  with something similar. Health matters/ Size does not. (repeat til you believe) Improve yourself but also accept the "you" that you are right now!

And my dear friend, if you are by chance reading my blog...I am not offended, just tickled, and so very thankful that you feel free to make blunt comments like that to me.

(I HOPE THIS MAKES SENSE...IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT AND THE OLD GIRL IS EXHAUSTED!)

IS God really good all the time?

"God is good...all the time." Do I believe it? I would like to say "of course I do", and I will say that deep down I do believe in God's absolute perfect goodness, 100%. But, I hear this phrase most often said at "good times" in the lives of people. For instance, a baby is born healthy! God is good...all the time! An illness is cured! God is good...all the time! An accident is prevented! God is good...all the time! A job promotion! God is good...all the time!

 Please don't think I am discounting God's goodness in ALL these situations because I am not. Yes, these blessings are wonderful and cause us to look to God and proclaim His goodness. But I can't help but wonder...If a baby is stillborn, is God still good? If an illness is terminal, is God still good? If a child has a terrible accident which leaves them with severe brain damage, is God still good? If a job is lost and a family is left wondering how they can possibly survive financially, is God still good?

 Because my faith and my Bible tell me so, Yes, He is still good. However, in the middle of these situations, would I truly feel that? Are my friends who are facing these very situations feeling the goodness of God or are they wondering how God allows such tragedies? I think it was Job who said something like..."Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?" So it seems God is allowing both good and bad to happen in our lives and whatever it may be...His goodness remains.

 As I stated, I hear this proclamation almost exclusively when an obvious "good thing" or blessing has happened and I do not doubt the sincerely of the proclaimer. It just always makes me wonder of those who are facing not so many "good things" and if they make the same proclamation. You don't often hear "God is good all the time! I have three months to live." or "My child didn't make it after the terrible wreck. God is good all the time!" I don't mean to sound "glib"...it's just something I think about.

 My pastor's wife left this world 3 years ago and I hear him say so often, "God does all things well." This is a testament to his true trust and belief in God's goodness, even in the midst of his deep, deep sorrow. I have seen this faith in Laura Malone, Tandy Nash, my own daughter, and so many others...if I were not a believer, their faith would stir me to become one. I do believe that God is good all the time. I only hope that when trials come my way (and I know they will), I can say that "God does all things well." To those facing what seem like unbearable circumstances, I offer my prayer that you will be able to lean on the God that IS good all the time. May you find that His strength is made perfect in your weakness. God bless.

College...Did I learn anything?

As my daughter makes her decision of which college to attend, I find myself thinking back to my college years. Of course I learned about history, math (a little), english and a lot of music, but there were life lessons and that's my subject of the day. Here is a list which is by no means exhaustive but pretty much off the top of my head:

-Rules were made to be broken.
-Differences are good. There is peace that comes from appreciating people for who they are instead of trying to fit them in your own "mold".
-There are other opinions and views out there. Explore these but realize the opinions and views you hold are just as viable.
-No matter how you may try, you will NEVER please everyone. If you do, you will not please yourself.
-There is ALWAYS something to laugh about.
-No one loves you like your mom.

T

My kids are "back-talkers"

On more than one occasion I have allowed myself to feel inferior to other mothers who have proclaimed "My children do NOT talk back to me." Then they have gone on to tell of the "one time they did and learned quickly never to do it again". Each has a different story of how they accomplished this feat with their children but they all have the same outcome: children who never dared to "talk back". I just listen in silence.

My children, all 3, are "back-talkers". There I've said it...even put it in print for anyone who finds themselves reading this blog. Have I, over the years, experienced times when I did not receive any "back-talk"? If course! But my kids have always felt free to do so when they deemed it necessary. I, like other parents, have spanked (rarely), grounded, attempted to shame, and given various punishments and consequences over my almost 28 years of parenting and have had some success. However, I cannot pretend to claim victory.

I hasten to say that I believe all 3 of my children love and respect me. They just don't always agree with what I say. Perhaps they have voiced their strong opinions too strongly on more than one occasion, but the fact remains they always felt free to speak their minds. Although, to keep peace, they have no doubt in more than one instance remained silent for one reason or another.

BUT...

They have also talked back in the face of injustice concerning not only themselves, but more often on the behalf of others. They have learned that yes, they have the right to respectfully question those in positions of authority. They have spoken out about what they truly believe even when it has not been easy...times when going along with the crowd would have been a much more popular stance. Along the way, when they have stumbled, made mistakes, and have learned life lessons, they have shared with others...opening themselves up to, in some cases, ridicule, but more often they have gained the satisfaction of knowing that their speaking out has helped someone along the way.

So, my kids are "back-talkers" and that's okay. I don't always agree with them, but I recognize that they are each unique individuals worthy of my respect. Do I have a small bit of envy to the parents who have mastered the art of relinquishing back-talk? Well, yeah, of course. I have just recognized that things are different in this family and all things considered, we're doing pretty well. :)

I laugh at people

There have been times I have felt guilty for laughing at people. Not for their looks or misfortunes but just for their "people-ness". I mean, people do funny things and don't realize it! The things they say, their expressions, the way they show anger....things like that. So here's my take on it - people need to learn to laugh at themselves!

For instance... I am in a classroom and a child will start making absurd growling noises and I will say "Is that necessary?" which is such a ridiculous comment! Do I expect him to answer "yes ma'am it is."? Or how about the age old teacher comment "that is uncalled-for!" as if the child might think "I'm not sure maybe tapping my pencil incessantly against this metal part of my desk is called-for..." these are just a few I see/perform everyday. And kids just make me laugh cause they're so darned cute!

There are times when I fall on my rear end that I realize how funny it must look and I laugh hysterically... Even if it hurts! The bad part is that, yes, I laugh at people who fall and this is construed as rude I know. Also if someone gets their words confused and it causes the whole sentence content to change, it cracks me up. Bottom line. BUT If I do this, it makes me laugh too.

So yes I laugh at myself and if my mistakes cause others to get tickled, it's okay. Seriously. Now if you laugh while I am still on the ground, check to make sure there are no broken bones after you compse yourself.

Anyone have other examples of what makes them laugh or how they have found laughter in everyday life? This laughter is serious business!

"all things" = the good and the bad

One verse in Romans is probably the verse in the Bible I claim most...sometimes several times throughout the course of the day. Sometimes I don't claim it when I should which causes unneeded worry and anxiety. The verse? Romans. 8:28. "For we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

Last week something happened that was not in my plan and appeared to be an injustice toward one of my children. Naturally, I turned into "mama bear" within seconds of this occurrence. After giving myself several minutes to "stew" (as my dad would've said), I calmed myself and said "remember, Cindy...all things!" This refers to all things...both good and bad. I went into thefamily room, sat down across from my child and asked "Do we believe it or not? Do all things really work together for good? Like even things that aren't fair...even mistakes we make...even bad choices?...ALL things! We discussed this awhile and then agreed that yes, we do believe it.
Then the Lord spoke to me..."faith not practiced isn't really faith at all." So when we hit a bump in the road, whether by our own or someone else's doing, God promises He will work it together for our good.

In my life, I have made some good choices, some bad, and some which make me doubt my own sanity. One night some 20+ years ago, I called a former spiritual advisory (aka church camp leader) and told him that since I had made some poor choices, I was afraid I had missed what God had for my life...that because of what I had done wrong, I had messed things up for the rest of my life. I will never forget what he told me, as I cried, totally despondent and poured out my fears and devastation to him. "None of this has taken God by surprise, Cindy. He put Romans 8:28 in His Word knowing what choices you would make, good and bad. "All things" means "all things".

That little conversation I had on the phone with a man named Bob Hollis (a man i have yet to talk to since), in my little garage apartment as a single mother who doubted my life would count for anything, changed my life. I truly do love God and know He has a purpose for me. Nothing can compare to the joy this brings! Claim it and believe it!

Not my New Year's Resolution

I have a few New Year's Resolutions, none of which include losing weight. I realize this is considered almost un-American. If you know me or have seen me lately it may seem even more absurd. For many who happen upon this blog, at first glance it would appear to be yet another of my rants brought on by my daughter's struggle with anorexia. In all fairness her 8 year battle has affected me greatly but I'm determined to look into the "heart" of my decision not to resolve to lose weight this year.

For as long as I can remember, I have been self-conscious about my weight. Earliest memory : My cousins, who loved me like a sister and wouldn't have hurt me for the world, called me "butterball". I was three years old. I knew they eere just "kidding" but did it affect me? Well, I remember it don't I? And that was the beginning.

As I grew up, it seems my mother was always, literally always, on a diet. And for the most part, these diets were short-lived and ended up in failure. As soon as I began to show signs of becoming "overweight" according to my mom, she began to give me advice on how to fight it. There was never a lack of acceptance or love from my mother or father, so please understand I am not insinuating there was. I truly believe that my mother thought I would be happier if I never became "fat" like she was. Therefore, it became her responsibility to do all she could to prevent it.

As an adult, I carried with me the "whatever you do, don't get fat" mentality throughout the birth of three children. There were exercise programs, many self-deprivation diets, counting fats, calories, and carbs, and even the diet pills that came from "Dr.D". ($50, cash only) Did I lose weight? Well, yeah. But it was never good enough for me. Obsessing about weight was a way of life. My weight went up and down like a yo-yo as did my opinion of myself.

There came a time when I realized the insanity of equating happiness in myself with my weight and size, but I'm not sure when that happened. My spiritual journey was an integral part of this discovery. God looks on the inward things of the heart and not the outward. This is a truth I knew well, but didn't internalize for many years. God also says "It is good" when He creates something...including people. Who am I to doubt His wisdom? "I am fearfully and wonderfully made" says the psalmist. How very basic, yet how profound.

Then came my daughter's battle. The ugly, ugly world of eating disorders invaded my home and the lives of those I love. Wow! This is true devastation...facing that your own attitude towards food and weight have affected one you would die for...your child. Talk about self-examination. Does my daughter blame us for her illness? Absolutely not. And I do not take full responsibility, but I do take a portion of it. Although she was never berated about her weight or her "looks", perhaps if I had spent less time criticizing myself, she would not have become so critical of herself and would have developed a healthier self image. But this post is not about her (who by the way is fighting the fight passionately and is determined to be victorious!). It is about me..and my reasons for not resolving to lose weight.

Reflecting upon my life thus far, I am ashamed of how many minutes, hours, heck, probably days have centered around weight loss. And none of this time can be re-lived. Tomorrow, listen to those around you and take notice of how many people mention eating too much over the holidays, being disgusted with themselves, being fat, etc. When you turn on the Tv, count the commercials which offer products and plans to make you more beautiful=thin. It is almost comical when you realize what an obsession it is. Is it any wonder that our children base their self-worth largely on their appearance? This madness has to come to an end!

Before anyone begins to list their reasons for making New Year's resolutions concerning losing weight, let me say I do not judge you. I understand there are many health concerns that necessitate losing weight. Our bodies are to be treated with respect. God has given us the responsibility to take care of them. For me, however, this translates into "accept what God has given you; practice moderation and self-respect; and concentrate on the person you are inside." I hold to the belief that in the end, that's what will matter.