Not my New Year's Resolution

I have a few New Year's Resolutions, none of which include losing weight. I realize this is considered almost un-American. If you know me or have seen me lately it may seem even more absurd. For many who happen upon this blog, at first glance it would appear to be yet another of my rants brought on by my daughter's struggle with anorexia. In all fairness her 8 year battle has affected me greatly but I'm determined to look into the "heart" of my decision not to resolve to lose weight this year.

For as long as I can remember, I have been self-conscious about my weight. Earliest memory : My cousins, who loved me like a sister and wouldn't have hurt me for the world, called me "butterball". I was three years old. I knew they eere just "kidding" but did it affect me? Well, I remember it don't I? And that was the beginning.

As I grew up, it seems my mother was always, literally always, on a diet. And for the most part, these diets were short-lived and ended up in failure. As soon as I began to show signs of becoming "overweight" according to my mom, she began to give me advice on how to fight it. There was never a lack of acceptance or love from my mother or father, so please understand I am not insinuating there was. I truly believe that my mother thought I would be happier if I never became "fat" like she was. Therefore, it became her responsibility to do all she could to prevent it.

As an adult, I carried with me the "whatever you do, don't get fat" mentality throughout the birth of three children. There were exercise programs, many self-deprivation diets, counting fats, calories, and carbs, and even the diet pills that came from "Dr.D". ($50, cash only) Did I lose weight? Well, yeah. But it was never good enough for me. Obsessing about weight was a way of life. My weight went up and down like a yo-yo as did my opinion of myself.

There came a time when I realized the insanity of equating happiness in myself with my weight and size, but I'm not sure when that happened. My spiritual journey was an integral part of this discovery. God looks on the inward things of the heart and not the outward. This is a truth I knew well, but didn't internalize for many years. God also says "It is good" when He creates something...including people. Who am I to doubt His wisdom? "I am fearfully and wonderfully made" says the psalmist. How very basic, yet how profound.

Then came my daughter's battle. The ugly, ugly world of eating disorders invaded my home and the lives of those I love. Wow! This is true devastation...facing that your own attitude towards food and weight have affected one you would die for...your child. Talk about self-examination. Does my daughter blame us for her illness? Absolutely not. And I do not take full responsibility, but I do take a portion of it. Although she was never berated about her weight or her "looks", perhaps if I had spent less time criticizing myself, she would not have become so critical of herself and would have developed a healthier self image. But this post is not about her (who by the way is fighting the fight passionately and is determined to be victorious!). It is about me..and my reasons for not resolving to lose weight.

Reflecting upon my life thus far, I am ashamed of how many minutes, hours, heck, probably days have centered around weight loss. And none of this time can be re-lived. Tomorrow, listen to those around you and take notice of how many people mention eating too much over the holidays, being disgusted with themselves, being fat, etc. When you turn on the Tv, count the commercials which offer products and plans to make you more beautiful=thin. It is almost comical when you realize what an obsession it is. Is it any wonder that our children base their self-worth largely on their appearance? This madness has to come to an end!

Before anyone begins to list their reasons for making New Year's resolutions concerning losing weight, let me say I do not judge you. I understand there are many health concerns that necessitate losing weight. Our bodies are to be treated with respect. God has given us the responsibility to take care of them. For me, however, this translates into "accept what God has given you; practice moderation and self-respect; and concentrate on the person you are inside." I hold to the belief that in the end, that's what will matter.